WHY?!

Dear God…

Let’s chat. My beloved grandmother would have been 90 today and I have more questions than answers.

Gosh, I can’t believe that she has been released from her physical body for so long now. I so vividly remember Dad telling me that she had passed away. I was in the PICU at Children’s. I cried so hard for about 5 minutes, but then I stopped. I couldn’t cry anymore because I knew that she was “whole” again and free from all suffering.

You and I fight a lot. You know that. I can’t tell you know many times I have and continue to get mad with you over her illness. How did someone so loving and caring deserve such a tremendous burden? They say that you only give these battles to his toughest soldiers and I wholeheartedly disagree. I don’t think it’s true. I think it’s just another excuse to justify why bad things happen to good people. Actually on that note, WHY?

Nothing but suffering came from this. I have yet to hear “Because of Nan’s dementia I learned…” You stole her. You hurt her. You made her suffer for most of her life. Nothing good came out of that suffering. Nothing. In fact, the more I think about it, it makes me more angry. She SHOULD be 90 today. She SHOULD have known she had a great-granddaughter. But no, she got to be a prisoner in her own body for over a decade. You know how I feel about your angel and your absolutely cruel plan for her. She’s the one grandparent that actually spent significant time in my life. I never got to know my dad’s father. My mom’s dad was hardly someone to get to know and I wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway. And my other grandmother has nine lives, but I honestly feel like I don’t even know her most of the time as so much is shrouded in secrecy.

So Dear God, WHY?

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